Black Friday Rant - Mature readers only - Warning

Black Thursday and Friday has come and gone and this year and again I decided to stay out of the madness. Instead I strapped on several loaded guns and several layers of clothes and headed for the deer stand. The tree stand was frigid, but it surely beat being killed at the mall. I have watched videos of those absolutely crazy people fighting over electronics at where else but Wal-Mart. The average Wal-Mart shopper is apparently willing to go two rounds over a Sony TV to take back to their stinky apartment. Really, is the Toshiba that you fought over last year ready to be replaced? Get a life, or on second thought why don't you just jump off a bridge. I am saddened that a day of Thanksgiving is replaced by just another day to fight over junk you can live without. Just imagine the joy on Christmas morning when your girlfriend's stepson opens the crumpled box under the tree. You can sit in your Lazy Boy and tell him how you spent a night in the local lock-up so he could watch the lame excuse of a sitcom "Two and Half Men" on this $98 piece of s*** Chinese flatscreen. Instead, why don't you take a few minutes to explain to him why he doesn't know his real father and why your teeth are rotting out of your head. Don't be surprised when he celebrates his seventeenth birthday by taking a bath salt trip that ends with an arrest after his midnight skinny dip in the overused highway rest stop porta-potty. On the bright side the poor lad might have a career in the pharmacutical industry when he discovers that marijuana soaked in a mixture of Drano and dishwater detergent will make your throat close up just like being strangled by a Burmese python. Instead he can reminisce about the bargain you got on his X-BOX 360 when he is in the hospital suffering from 3rd degree burns to 90 percent of his body when his basement Meth lab explodes. By the way, why is the hair on your cheek so black and curly? Nothing good can come from throwing bargain priced electronics into a group of over-weight ladies hell bent on saving a few bucks. Look out. Wow I didn't know I was so wound up about this. Really, are we such a consumer society that just the mention of "saving" will make us kill our fellow man. It is no wonder the kids these days are so screwed up since we have taught them that a traditional day spent with family is now spent running-up their credit card on under-priced computers that they are too stupid to use. To most of these Black Friday brawlers they think that WIFI is short for "WIfe FIghting". If you get between two ladies and one flatscreen you had better hope that your Health Insurance Policy hasn't been canceled due to the Obamacare nightmare. By the way, if you happen to want to take a boot leg video of one of these Wal-Mart throw-downs, NO WAY. Wal-Mart has a strict "NO VIDEO" policy when it comes to people getting killed in Electronics. If a video does slip through to YouTube you can bet that most of the hits will be on your face. Actually, I did get a jump on the third big shopping day of the season. The one day that I can support is "Small Business Saturday". This day we are directed by our government to shop at the local merchants, and we had better do it, because if Wal-Mart has their way these local "Mom & Pops" won't make it another year. On Saturday morning, after listening to the "dear leader" lying to us in his weekly radio address, we are to get into our Prius's and roam the countryside with our E-10 gasoline in search of a small rundown local merchant. We are to then go inside, dust off the American Made Stanley Thermos and pay the $138 dollars that they are asking. How quickly we forget that this Thermos was made while Reagan was in the White House. When after years of abuse at the hands of management, the Stanley workers were allowed to join the local "Thermos Makers Union", which led to increased wages, right up to the moment the plant closed and moved it's operation to Malaysia. Boy, unions are great for the American worker, now the rigors of the 8 hour work day are replaced by hours on the couch watching "General Hospital" and checking the I-Phone for our food stamp account refill. Work is so overrated. So, seriously, I stopped by a local merchant today and bought a huge pack of toilet paper. No High-fructose corn syrup laden soda treat for me, no electronic cigarettes, but just plain old American Chinese made toilet paper. 24 mega rolls of 1000 sheets of bum kissing softness, enough to last at least three days at our house. This paper is made of the best American wood fiber, harvested by a Chilean wood cutter, using Swedish made chainsaws, trucked to port in a Mexican made trailer and shipped to China, only to be carefully processed into something that will wipe last night's left-over turkey supper out of my butt. But, just as I was paying, with inflated American dollars, I spotted one of those "energy hogging" incandesant light bulbs casting it's ugly warm light down onto the cashier. I immediately dropped everything and called the "light bulb police" to respond and to drag these criminals off to jail. Once the government mandated mercury curly lights were installed, per government regulation 632, I finished my toilet paper purchase and headed home, happy that I had got the jump on those Saturday morning deal brawlers. If I'm lucky, while the shoppers are being trampled and the doors are being busted down on Saturday morning, I'll be sitting at home, next to my wood cookstove in the kitchen and listening to Tom & Professor Hill on their radio show. By the way, Merry Christmas.